The most insecure genre of nonfiction is Second Amendment books. I have a theory that after you buy your tenth gun, they start to whisper to each other at night, only to fall silent when you scream, “Who said something about my small penis!?” I looked for a whimsically insane one to review, but the theme of every single one of these books is how after night falls, guns laugh at the author’s penis. These books are all disorganized collections of echo-chambered arguments for how 27 words written two centuries ago ensure the author’s ability to melt his congressman with a flamethrower.
It doesn’t really matter how you feel about the Second Amendment. I mean, you can have an opinion and debate and threaten your congressman with melting, but the Supreme Court might one day disagree with you. So what then? For decades, gun owners have been threatening “civil war” if anyone ever comes for their guns, and honestly, that seems like an overreaction. Who cares if the government makes your guns illegal? Just hide a few. You maniacs are on Facebook threatening to murder police if they come to take them, but you’re scared to lie to the hypothetical gun collector? That’s like refusing to download Westworld, but being okay with torturing James Marsden until he tells you what happens in it. Look at it this way: Throwing stars are illegal right now, and ask me how many throwing stars I have. Or try with all those throwing stars in your neck, mouth, and dick.
These books are filled with titty-thumping threats about rising up against tyranny. They assert that all these handguns are there to insure no government ever tries to take things too far. But what would that look like? Some of the more coherent books try to pull obscure events from history to demonstrate the dangers of gun control, but there’s a more contemporary example. Philando Castile was pulled over by police 46 times for things like speeding, not wearing a seat belt, or having muffler trouble. Actual “jack-booted government thugs” took his liberty, stole thousands of dollars of his money, and eventually shot him to death because he had a legal gun in his car. And not a single one of you grabbed a rifle and overthrew the government. So don’t tell me there will be a second civil war. You’ve already seen tyranny, and your reaction was to blame the victim for not meekly complying hard enough. Unless … oh shit, unless you’re … no. Unless you’re … r-racist?
If you’re scared because everything wants to kill you, a gun won’t make that go away, you coward. And if you’re stockpiling weapons to defeat America, do you have enough men to operate your LPs and OPs and still maintain your defensive positions? Why am I asking? They have tanks, buddy. If the American military decides they want American civilians dead, your choices are joining the Army or dying with a lot of valid questions. So if it makes you feel good to carry your gun around, or play with it, or yank it out in a panic when you hear a strange noise, that sounds fun, but stop trying to convince us it’s because you’re super smart and tough.
Seanbaby is fine enjoying his other hobbies if you want to make guns less legal. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.
Fight the careless violence with a Careless Whisper.
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For more, check out 5 Reasons Even Gun Owners Should Hate The NRA and We Asked A Mass Shooter Why The Hell This Keeps Happening.
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