‘PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Alive Is Actually Sexy For Once Betches

PRAISE THE LORD. Unlike our actual elected officials, PEOPLE magazine has listened to its audience and chose a sexiest man alive who is actually sexy! Full offense, Blake Shelton. And half-offense, Adam Levine. (Honestly, does nobody think he has the face of your average college guy in an a cappella group, and the voice of a high-pitched goat? Am I alone in this?) Well, today, PEOPLE announced that they chose Idris Elba as the coveted winner of the “Sexiest Man Alive” award. (Is it really an award? Or just a cover story? Whatever.) This is democracy at work, people. Okay but how come when I say Idris Elba is the sexiest man alive, nobody listens to me, but when PEOPLE says it, all of a sudden everybody cares? SMH what a double standard.

Idris is now the 33rd man to ever hold this noblest of titles, and only the third man of color (the other two being Denzel Washington and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson). We did it, guys! Racism is over! Everybody pack it in. Now if only ABC would follow PEOPLE magazine’s lead and choose a non-white Bachelor. Just kidding, I know that’s asking way too much.

Because we do not deserve Idris Elba, he used his Sexiest Man Alive victory to encourage people to vote. This man is not even from our country! They are not even his midterm elections! And still, he wants you to get out the vote. I mean, who are we to argue with the Sexiest Man Alive?

He is too pure for this world. My ovaries are exploding (but not in the way Mike Pence would want it).

I’m not going to lie, I am way too excited about this news. I mean, it’s a meaningless award, why do I even care? It’s not like the sexiest man alive actually does anything (or like we’ll be talking about this for longer than a day). But for now, I’m feeling good. I voted. Idris Elba is the sexiest man alive. Chance the Rapper is featured on a new track. Just let me have this. I’m going to coast on this feeling until around 9pm tonight when the election results come in, at which point I may or may not be planning my exit strategy.

Support your local Sexiest Man Alive by streaming Luther on Netflix, or by watching The Office season 5, episodes 20-28. I have no idea if Idris Elba actually gets any of the royalties, but I don’t think any of you  need an excuse to gaze upon his beautiful face. Do you?? No. Now go get me that rundown.

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