Thoughts You Have When Your Friend Tells You She’s Pregnant Betches
It’s happening. Your friends swiped right, met those special someones, had blackout bachelorette parties, amazing weddings, and are settled down in a nice apartment or house they’ll never pay off. Moving on up, guys.
You were hoping that, just maybe, they would adopt a bunch of dogs and be your drinking buddies forever. But, lo and behold, your friend just texted you with her amazing news. She’s got a bun in the oven. She’s eating for two. She’s gonna need bigger clothes. She’s f*cking pregnant.
There are a clear set of thoughts that go through your mind once your friend tells you she’s pregnant—and, to be 100% clear, you probably shouldn’t vocalize any of them. It’s an exciting, scary, and f*cking weird time for you, her, and her partner. Embrace the strange.
But, like in those medicine infomercials, there is hope. You are not alone. Many of us will find out a friend is pregnant at some point in our lives, and go through the accompanying emotional rollercoaster. Like, of course I am happy for you, but I’m also sad for me! Right? You’re not a terrible person for thinking it. We all do. So in an effort to make you feel like you’re not a horrible person, here are the thoughts we all have when a friend tells you she’s pregnant.
1. “There Goes My Drinking Bud”
Who’s going to pound Fireball shots and then help me Uber home? How will I discuss my drunken one nighters with a child present? Will it wear earmuffs? Who’s going to take care of me and make sure there isn’t stranger danger lurking at that weird club I love going to but, honestly, am also reasonably sketched out by? Apparently I have to grow up now, too, which is v not chill. V.
2. “I’ve Seen Her Blackout”
I watched this girl fall on the dance floor, get up (hair slicked back in a mix of sweat and alcohol), fart, clear the dance floor, then chug two more shots before throwing up on a historic church and blacking out in a cab. You’re telling me this wild b*tch is going to handle a baby?
Godspeed, friend. You’re going to need it. Also, good luck on not drinking for nine months. I’ll throw a few back for ya. Then again, babies are like tiny drunk people, soo…
3. “She’s Killed Six Plants”
This is the girl that, throughout college, would go out, buy a plant to “liven up the room” and, within three weeks, would throw said plant in the trash without a word. Why? Because after four to five days of diligent watering she kind of forgot about it and focused all her energy on where she was buying her weed and, also, where her gold sequin shirt could possibly be.
I’m not saying she hasn’t grown up. Clearly, her ability to keep a dog AND cat alive proves she has graduated up on the living things ladder. But, damn. The stakes are high. I would be a nervous wreck for nine continuous months. She’s a stronger person than I.
4. “I Guess Someone Had To Be First”
I mean, I get it. She’s married, just turned 30, and she’s been going crazy every time she sees a baby on the subway. I should have known this was coming someday. *Thinks back* especially since she always talked about wanting to start a family before 35. But I wanted us to take so many more girls’ trips!! Why can’t we all stay 20 forever?
5. “At Least I Can Babysit”
Look, I’ll probably have kids myself at some point, but, as of right now, I’m enjoying Doritos breakfasts, passing out with makeup on, and being selfish. But this means I get the best of both worlds. Just call me Hannah Montana! I mean, babies are cute, and they’re even cuter when I can give them back to their rightful parents at the end of the day. I’d definitely babysit. Wait, would she pay me?
6. “Now We Can Eat Like Sh*t Together”
If there’s any bright side to this, I think this is it. Thank God. I’ve only been hearing how bad pregnancy cravings are since birth, and I am volunteering as tribute to be my friend’s personal craving consultant. Her husband be damned! I will totally be down to eat ice cream and pickles at 2am. I have literally been training my whole life for this moment.
Of course it’s natural to be a little scared when your friend tells you she’s pregnant. It’s going to mean a lot of changes. But not all of them are bad! Your friend is likely thrilled, which is the most important thing, so obviously the number one thing you’ll feel is happy for her. And, on the bright side, soon you’ll have an adorable little baby to
post on your Instagram play with, without having to experience morning sickness!
Images: Dakota Corbin, Unsplash; Giphy (6)
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